OH DEAR I AM SO FAT

Oh dear I am so worried I really am too fat

If I ever got the chance I think I’d eat my hat

I eat and eat from morn till night all that comes my way

I seem to be enlarging hour by hour each day

Instead of one potato I’ll eat six or even eight

I really must resist them or it will be too late

Oh dear I am so worried I’ve put on too much weight

I’m so big now it isn’t true I can’t get through the gate

I raid the freezer every night for portions of ice cream

No wonder all my friends tell me I’m wide around the beam

I take ten lumps of sugar in my coffee and my tea

I won’t look in the mirror to see the sight of me

Oh dear I am so worried I’m getting rather big

My husband kindly told me I’m looking like a pig

My size may be increasing but my nose just stays the same

I think he’s only trying to put myself to shame

I must agree I do like milk I drink it by the litre

I put the tape around my waist and I’ve increased it by a metre.

Oh dear I am so worried I do so like my food

Everything I seem to eat is tasty and so good

I like toffees, sweets and chocolates anything that’s sweet

To sit down to a three course meal is really such a treat

I love a big meat pudding with mushy peas and mash

It means more to me than fillet steak and costs a lot less cash

Oh dear I should be worried none of my clothes will fit

I put my trendy things on and all they do is split

The other day a circus man asked me to do s turn

He said there was good money in it for me to earn

He didn’t say however that my partner was a bear

So here I am at home again fat without a care.

SHIRLEYS HUMOUR PASSAGE

HOUSEWORK

Who invented housework I would so like to know

If I could find the person my feelings I would show

I could say with sincerity that washings not my scene

I boiled my curtains in the wash my sheets came out bright green

My husband’s sweater I did wash which wasn’t very wise

When he tried it on today it was only half the size.

When it comes to washing up the dishes and the crocks

I have to hide the broken fragments in a cardboard box

I use that special liquid they show us on the tele

By mistake the other day I used it in the jelly

After eating a plate full the doctor called at home

He couldn’t even find me through a multitude of foam

I cooked a three course dinner for us the other night

I took a look at my pals face and saw a dreadful sight

I thought the soup as lovely something of which to shout

I didn’t know the idea was to take the oxtail out.

We had potatoes in their jackets I knitted them to fit

I didn’t know you cooked them bare I simply have no wit.

Polishing the furniture is not a chore I like

I’d really be far happier riding on my bike

I dust around my knickknacks I picked one up today

The head came off a figurine I was lost for what to say

I just ignore the cobwebs until there is no gap

They are in fact so useful nasty flies for them to trap.

Now bed makings another task that really drives me crazy

I only pull the covers up I’m hopeless and I’m lazy

My vacuum helps me quite a bit it has a lot of suction

It sucked our budgie up the tube it really was disruption

My house remains a muddle plenty of mess for you to see

But I just sit and stare at it and drink my cups of tea.

SHIRLEYS HUMOUR PASSAGE

A HUSBAND

I love my husband dearly although his faults are many

If you asked him what they are he’ll say he hasn’t any

He thinks that he is perfect I can’t say I agree

All his little irksome ways he simply cannot see

He thinks that he’s the ideal man his vanities unending

And then there’s all that money he’s wasting and he’s spending.

I lie awake for hours at night in bed it is so boring

When He sleeps the night away with his grunting and his snoring

I’ll have to buy some ear plugs of that there is no fear

Or have a refreshing nightcap of a lovely pint of beer

He gets up very early before the crack of dawn

And when it’s time to rise all I can do is yawn.

He also likes to gamble, it really makes me hurt

When I see him on a Saturday almost lose his shirt

His horses never seem to win the ones he backs get lost

They come in last at every race and he just counts the cost

He likes to back the greyhounds he does them every day

I’ve seen the time quite recently when he’s gone to Harringay.

He likes a game of bingo too he goes three times a week

He leaves me home all on my own I think he’s got a cheek

He goes down to the local and downs a pint or two

He didn’t go there yesterday cos he had a touch of flue

Instead I had to go and buy him a light ale and a stout

I was running up and down the stairs at every single shout.

He counts his money every night and hides it in a tin

It takes a little longer when he’s had a bingo win

I marvel at the endless stream of money he has got

But then I try and understand he is a canny Scott

I said before I love him of that I’m very sure

And after all I have my faults that he has to endure.

SHIRLEYS HUMOUR PASSAGE

OH DEAR I DO FEEL POORLY

Oh dear I do feel poorly, Oh dear I do feel ill

I don’t know what’s the matter? Perhaps I never will.

I’ve been to see the doctor an hour with him I spent

When I came out the surgery I wished I’d never went.

He tested my reflexes to find out all my jerks

I really cannot grumble he gave me all the works.

Oh dear I do feel poorly, Oh dear I do feel thick

I drank a pint of brandy it only made me sick

I went to see the vet in town I thought that he could see

What really was the matter and some treatment give to me

But all he did was feel my nose to see if it was warm

And said that for my age I was truly up to form.

Oh dear I do feel poorly, Oh dear I don’t feel well

I don’t get any sympathy when my aches and pains I tell

I went to see the chiropodist to him I told a tale

When he saw my size of feet he asked if I was male

He said there was but one thing that he could really tell

And that was since my entry I’d brought a pungent smell

Oh dear I do feel poorly, Oh dear I do feel queer

I’ve taken pills and potions and even drank some beer

I visited the dentist and he’s among my foes

When I sit in his special chair I look right up his nose

He said my teeth were pretty good considering my age

I think he is a comic and should be on the stage.

Oh good I do feel better I’ve left my poorly bed

It wasn’t all those ghastly things in books that I have read

My aches and pains have vanished I’m glad that they have gone

My various diagnosis were all completely wrong

The guesses at my state of health were way out and so wild

For in my arms I sit and hold a lovely newborn child.